


Sun

by youarefire



Series: Love Me Tender [3]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, Staubrey wedding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-05-19 23:03:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14882903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youarefire/pseuds/youarefire
Summary: “May we fall in love every time we open up our eyes. I guess space and time, takes violent things, angry things and makes them kind.”





	1. Saturn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You taught me the courage of stars before you left. How light carries on endlessly even after death.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: It starts angsty but gets better.  
> I wanted to start with Stacie's grief.
> 
> Enjoy :)
> 
> Also, shout out to Amber aka aserenitatum for geeking out over Staubrey with me. There's so many new headcanons and possibilities swirling around in my head because of her!

I was only fifteen when I lost the greatest love I’ve ever known.

My dad died on a Monday and was buried on a Friday, the skies unleashed its tears during his funeral and I wanted nothing more than to drown in the rain. I watched as his casket was lowered into a huge gaping hole in the ground and wanted nothing more than to go down along with him. It took me a while to realize this, but in a way, a part of me did.

I buried my heart in that cemetery that day, along with all the bits and pieces of myself that once belonged to him.

Nothing was the same after that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On the morning of my high school graduation, three years after my father’s death, I finally mustered up enough courage to go into his study. I sat against the door for a while, eyes bloodshot and swollen, arms tightly wound around myself. I sat there thinking, _“If I can do it. If I can just walk into this room, I’d be able to walk on that stage and speak without breaking.”_

But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have enough strength to face it. There were too many memories, too many reminders of what was lost. Grief and nostalgia overwhelmed me, anger boiled my blood, and I just sat there, motionless, as tears spilled down my cheeks.

 

#### ________

 

“Stacie?”

I looked up and found my grandpa standing a few feet away from me, his brows were knotted in concern.

“Grandpa?” I choked, voice thick with emotion.

He reached out and pulled me up, enveloping me in a crushing embrace. I sobbed as he hugged me, he kept me up as my legs gave out. Nothing was said between us, he just let me cry.

He patiently waited until my sobs subsided and until my legs found its strength to stand again.

“Are you ready now?” He asked, his eyes shining with encouragement. The same shade of gray as my dad’s.

He knew what stepping into that room meant for me. How I spent countless hours during the past three years just staring at that closed door. Unwilling and unable to go inside. That study was  _our_ room, mine and my dad's. Half of the memories I had with him was spent in that room. So for me to finally find the strength to go in there, and finally face the reality that I won't find him sitting at his desk when I walked in... 

It meant I'd be able to overcome not finding him in the crowd during graduation. 

"I'm ready." I said, though my voice was shaky.

"Alright then,” He nodded. “I'll walk right in there with you."

He held my hand and slowly pushed the door open. We walked in together but he stood back as I ventured further inside the room. I tried to control my emotions as years’ worth of memories crashed over me. But, for the first time since losing my dad, I didn’t try to block them out. I just let them come.  

I was finally allowing myself to take everything in. Allowing myself to replay the memories. Allowing myself to picture him sitting by his desk, and the images of him turning around and smiling at me to run freely through my mind.

The room had three _big_ floor to ceiling windows, dad’s work desk facing towards them. He always said it was easier for him to work when he had a good view. I sat in his chair and traced the outline of his stray pen marks on the desk. I looked over to the couch on my left and smiled fondly, remembering all the afternoons I spent napping there while he worked. To my right, was the desk he had set up for me because I needed a more isolated place to study, my hyperactive nature had made it impossible to focus in my own room back then.

When I looked up towards the window, my breath hitched. Sitting there, I saw the world from his vantage point. My eyes roamed the view of the backyard. The same yard I’d see every day, but from his point of view, I got a better look at the sky, and the trees and the mountains that stood strong in the distance.

“He always had an affinity to natural beauty.” Grandpa said. His voice broke me out of my silent reverie. “He looked at the world with such awe and wonder. Always goin’ on and on about the sky and the vastness of space. Your grandma and I used to to spend so much money on toys but all he wanted to do was look at stuff!”

A breathy laugh escaped my lips at that.

“So, for his seventh birthday, we bought him a telescope and that was _that_. Didn’t have to waste money on toys ever since.”

He walked up next to me and leaned against the desk. I offered him a small smile and reached out to squeeze his hand.

“I miss him.” Was my whispered confession, afraid if I said it any louder it would awaken my brokenness again.

“I know, sweetheart. I know.”

“I always thought he’d be here, you know? In every milestone I envisioned for my life, I always saw him with me. Cheering me on. Supporting me. I just-“ clearing the lump in my throat, I released a defeated breath- “I just wish he was here.”

“I know, it’s okay-“

“But it's not.” It came out as a whisper, but anger begun to roar inside of me. “It’s not fair. He’s supposed to be here. He’s supposed to watch me graduate and send me off to college. He’s supposed to bug me about visiting for the holiday parties. And interrogate anyone I'd bring home! He was supposed to walk me down the aisle one day...”

I buried my face in my hands and worked to keep my breaths even. “He was supposed to be here. For _all_ of it." I heaved a hard sigh and stared blankly out the window. "I don't know how to go back to  _being_ okay again.”  

Grandpa didn’t speak for a few moments, he just kept his gaze on me. When he finally did speak, his voice was shaky and sparse.

And I knew then that he was just as broken as I was.

“I have lived through so many things, I’ve seen what tragedy can do to people. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about grief, it’s this: There’s nothing anyone can say or do to fill the void, Stacie. There’s no pleasure or vice that can quench our insatiable need to just be able to see them again, or to be able to hold them again. I know how unfair life can be. No daughter should grow up without a father.

They say we can never experience the same kind of love twice. Love has a different meaning with every single person we encounter it with. And as you already know, no one can replace who and what your dad was to you. The love a father has for his daughter, and vice versa, nothing can replicate it. Just like nothing can replace the love I had for Cal as my son. He was the last thing I had left of your grandma, my flesh and blood, my boy…” He croaked at that last word but quickly worked to compose himself.

“And though we have to go through the rest of our lives missing a part of our hearts, though nothing can completely stop the pain, I found my peace with it. All because of you girls. You and your sister are a constant reminder of him, of how beautiful life is and how lucky we are to get to experience the different aspects of it. And you know what? That’s enough for me. It’s enough for me to keep living, despite of the missing pieces.”

Tears were flooding down my cheeks, I didn’t try wiping them at that point. I just let myself cry.

He pushed off the desk and crouched down to my eye level. “He’s not here anymore, I know. But I am. So is your mother, and your sister, and the rest of your family and friends.” He took his hands out of the pockets of his robe and held my hands between his own. Tightening his grip, he smiled at me sadly. “I pray one day we’ll be enough for you too.”  

I surged forward and broke down in his arms. Sob after sob rippled through my body. I didn’t even bother controlling my loud wailing as he held me. He whispered words of encouragement in my ear and validated my pain. Up until that point, I never showed that part of my grief in front of my family, and because of that reason, I never knew what it felt like to be held that way; to be understood in that way. I thought I had to be the strong one. I thought if I pretended to be my usual, carefree self in front of them, it'd help them somehow.

But as I cried in my grandfather’s arms that morning, I realized how exhausted I was from pretending.

Some time had passed when I felt a hand on my back, coaxing me to stand up. Grandpa gently rose to his feet and helped pull me up. I turned around, even with my head still facing the ground, I knew the other person was my mom.

She wiped away my tears and held onto my face. “Stacie, baby. Look at me.” She said. 

I looked up and was met with watery green eyes. Much like my own.

“I love you very much.” She said, her voice laced with so much conviction. “I know daddy not being here has been difficult. Especially on days like today. I know how hard you’ve worked to stay strong, but it’s okay not to be. I know sometimes you miss him so much tha-” She wavered a bit. Choking back a small sob, she continued- “Sometimes you miss him so much that all you want to do is stay in bed all day. I know how you'd play Love Me Tender, on a continuous loop, on nights when you can't sleep. I know some days you'd sit in front of that door for hours, willing yourself to take that next step.”

She paused and smiled at me, her eyes filled to the brim with tears. “There were so many times I tried to reach out to you, but you refused to let me in."

“I just didn’t want you to worry about me.” I confessed quietly.  

“I’m your mom, I’ll always worry about you." She curled the small, disarrayed parts of my hair behind my ear and tucked back my flyaways. "It’s okay to feel broken, Stacie. I just wish you'd stop insisting on suffering through it alone.”

I wordlessly wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tight. A few moments passed in silence, only the sound of our sniffling filled the room.

“I love you, my girl.”

“I love you too mom.”

“I can't believe you're graduating today!" She said, disbelief and pride coloring her tone. 

"Oh god, I know! Friggin' finally!" I said as I rolled my eyes.

"I’m so proud of you. Look at you.” She stepped back and held me at arms’ length, “Look at what you’ve accomplished! You’re graduating today and, despite of everything, you still managed to graduate at the top of your class! My daughter’s THE valedictorian? Whaaaaaat?"

"Haaaaaayyyyyy that's meeee." I sang out and pointed to myself giddily despite the heaviness in my chest. 

"Exactly. That's all you, love. I'm super proud of you, my beautiful little genius-“

“You know what, Delia? I would say she got it all from my side of the family but you’re technically responsible for half of her so…” My grandpa piped up. "And God knows Caleb wasn't as pretty as he was smart! So I guess we can say she got the brains from us but the looks from you." He shrugged and chuckled heartily. His outburst caused both of us to laugh as well.

At the sound of their laughter, my heart felt a little lighter. My mom shook her head at him in mild amusement and handed me a white envelope. I turned it over and froze when I saw my name written in my dad’s writing.

“Wha-“

“He wanted me to give this letter to you after graduation. But I figured now is as good a time for you to read it.” She kissed my forehead and gave me a tight hug, “I’m gonna start working on breakfast. Are you going to be okay reading it by yourself?”

“Yeah, I think so.” I replied, my eyes still glued to the envelope.

“Okay. We’ll leave you to it then.” She booped my nose then turned to leave, calling out to my grandpa as she went, “Come on Hal, I could use a hand in the kitchen.”

“Of course.” My grandpa said and scurried on after her. “And how many times do I have to tell you to call me dad?! _CORDELIA?_!” He yelled out.

Mom’s reply was drowned out by the old man’s low grumbling. “Twenty years, twenty years of this. You’d think she’d get used to it after all that time. We're family! I even live here now for God’s sake…”

I snickered at his whining, as I always did whenever he'd complain about silly things.

He stopped just outside the door and turned to me. “Now that you're in here, you should make yourself comfortable. Get reacquainted, if you will." He pointed towards dad's desk, "Sit over there while you read the letter. This office was as much yours as it was his. It's always been yours to use, it's high time for you to make it your own.” He winked then turned to leave.

I took my grandpa's advice and sat down. My hands were shaking as I opened the letter and a small wave of hope came over me while I read it. 

 

 

 

> _“To my little girl, my treasure, my love, my life, my heart,_
> 
> _Firstly, I want to tell you how much I love you. I love you more than the simple human mind can comprehend. Secondly, I want to tell you how proud I am of you, how proud I have been to be able to call myself your father. You’re naturally intelligent, talented, witty, perceptive, and the love you give others has no bounds. Your very existence is a miracle in itself._
> 
> _We named you Anastasia, which means “resurrection”, because around the time of your birth the hopes and dreams I had for myself were dead. But once you came into this world, all loud and proud, and when I held you in my arms for the first time, I realized the infinite was still attainable. You revived the part of me that dreamt of the impossible and because of you, I was able to fulfill those dreams._
> 
> _Everything I’ve worked for, everything I’ve done, was for the benefit of our family. I wanted to make the world a better place for you and Alex to live in._ _I just wish I had more time to spare._
> 
> _I wish I had a thousand lifetimes, a thousand lifetimes to give to you. A thousand lifetimes to spend with you girls. But everything has a beginning and an end. Even the stars die out eventually._
> 
> _So here you are now, reading my words instead of listening to them because I’m no longer around. Physically, anyway._
> 
> _I’m still alive in these words, I’m still alive in my love for you girls, I’m still alive in the memories you have of me. Nothing can take that away from you, not even death._
> 
> _As you get ready to enter a new chapter of your life, never lose sight of the things that matter most. Don't forget to keep your mom updated, you know how she gets. Be sure to make time for your family and friends. Follow your passions, know who you are. You're Anastasia Conrad, live up to your name. You are infinite. You are light in the darkness. You are the apple of God’s eyes. And you are my dream come true._
> 
>  
> 
> _I hope you keep looking at the stars._
> 
> _I hope you always stand in awe of nature._
> 
> _Keep your heart deeply rooted and grounded in love._
> 
> _I pray you never make your bed in dead places,_
> 
> _but if you must_
> 
> _because of exhaustion_
> 
> _if you must_
> 
> _because of anger_
> 
> _if you must_
> 
> _because of disappointment_
> 
> _if you must_
> 
> _because of pain_
> 
> _It’s okay to stay there a while._
> 
> _Cry if you have to,_
> 
> _Scream if you have to,_
> 
> _break things if you have to,_
> 
> _sleep if you have to_
> 
> _But don’t make a home of it._
> 
> _Once you find the strength to stand_
> 
> _Once you find the will to open your eyes_
> 
> _Look towards the horizon,_
> 
> _keep your gaze on the dawn_
> 
> _And remember to fall in love with the sun again._
> 
>  
> 
> _You will find me in the warmth of the sunrise,_
> 
> _My love will surround you in the wind._
> 
>  
> 
> _I love you always,_
> 
> _Dad."_

 

I read his poem during my graduation speech that evening. A part of me was still scared to look up, afraid of how it would trigger my grief knowing he wasn't among the crowd watching me. But as I looked out at the world, his words rang true in my heart. He was still alive because I found him everywhere; In the love I felt with my family, in my hopes and my dreams, in nature, in the night sky, in the moonlight...

Somewhere among the stars, he was there.

And that was enough for me.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me in the comments.


	2. Pluto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I leaned in and let it hurt  
> Let my body feel the dirt  
> When I break pattern, I break ground  
> I rebuild when I break down  
> I wake up more awake than I’ve ever been before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To new beginnings and moments that will last forever.
> 
> Peep at that Steca bromance though. I'm a sucker for that friendship.  
> Also, to be completely honest, I pictured Stacie's sister as Alex Morgan, the soccer player. Feel free to do the same lol

It's Conrad Family tradition to throw two huge parties for our friends and family during the holidays. (With Christmas as the exception, of course, because it was a “family-only” type of deal.) We’d kick off the holidays with a super fancy Thanksgiving Dinner party, and we’d end the holiday season with an over-the-top New Year’s Eve countdown party.

These parties were a staple in my family. They’ve been going on for as long as I can remember. Even after my dad died, we still kept the tradition going. Partly due to my grandpa’s incessant nagging… 

 

_“Your grandma and your dad would be rolling in their graves if we didn’t continue with the Holiday Bash!”_

_“It’s Conrad family tradition! **TRADITION!** ”_

_“There’s still so much life to celebrate!”_

_“This is what Cal would have wanted!”_

 

And on and on and on!

To my surprise, my mom actually shared his sentiments…

 

_"Your father, really would, be rolling in his grave if we didn’t throw a party this year.”_

_“He even threw one shortly after your grandma passed. That was the first year we hosted the parties here at home.”_

_“Caleb always did say he’d rather have us celebrate his life than mourn his death.”_

_“God knows we could use a little celebrating right now.”_

 

So, we kept the tradition going.

The first couple of years were difficult. Not only because it was super depressing not having dad around anymore but since he was always in charge of planning the whole thing, mom had no clue what the hell she was doing. 

 

_“He never included me in any of the planning! Year after year, all he’d say was ‘invite your friends and look pretty!’ He always insisted the holidays be stress free and relaxing for me!“_

 

But, she eventually got the hang of it. She would later consider it as a source of therapy, actually. She even included Alex, grandpa, and I in the planning process, which was different from how dad and grandma used to do it, but it allowed us to mix new traditions in with the old. Which not only helped us grow closer as a unit, but it helped us find our new footing. 

After I left for college, my grandpa would constantly bug me about how my attendance at the parties were a necessity. How it was my “family obligation” and my “Conrad Duty” to be there. But, being that I was roughly 3,000 miles away at Barden, mom knocked some sense into him and they gave me an ultimatum: Grandpa would stop being annoying and stop guilt tripping me, only if I'd agree to come home for Christmas each year and had to attend **at least** one of the other holiday parties.

It seemed simple enough at the time, so I agreed.

 

 

* * *

 

During my sophomore year at Barden, I invited Beca to our Thanksgiving party. She didn't want to go home and had nothing else planned, so she accepted my invitation and flew out to Seattle with me. We spent the long weekend hanging out with my family, exploring the city, and did some touristy shit- for Beca's sake. It was fun, for the most part, but If I had known Alex would be annoyingly drooling over Beca the whole time, I probably would have thought twice about inviting her.

But then again, Beca and I wouldn't be as close as we are now if it wasn't for that weekend so,  _e_ _hhh._

Gotta focus on the positives, right?

 

___________

 

During our last night in Seattle, Beca, Alex, and I were hanging out in the study; unwinding and recounting the highlights of our visit. We were all on the couch, I was in the middle, with Beca on my left, and Alex on my right. As the night progressed, I realized Alex was slowly inching closer and closer towards the middle of the couch. (In an effort to get closer to Beca, no doubt.)

My little sister's school-girl crush, coupled with the fact that it was our last night there, made Alex's annoying-ass fawning **ten times** worse. 

 

“Sooooo, Beca? Is it true you mix your own music?” Alex asked, her tone a little  _too_  angelic for my liking.

“Ye-“

“Yup! She does our lineups for The Bellas. She arranged our entire set list for championships last year, the one we won with.” I interjected.

“REALLY?”

“Yeah, Alex, really. I told you this before.” I gave her a pointed look. 

“You’re  _so_  talented! It's amazing!” She continued to gush, completely ignoring the fact that I was still sitting right in front of her.

“Thanks. It’s really not that big of a deal.” Beca waved off shyly.

But the blush on her face was all the boost my sister needed. “You can sing, you can dance, you make your own music, and you’re like super hot. You’re the total package-”

 _She’s also moody and broody and way too old for you._  I thought as I got up from the couch and went to sit by my desk.

“I wish I had the creativity to make my own music.” Alex continued.

“Well, they’re not really my own tracks. I’ve just been doing mashups and remixes and stuff.”

“OH! Like a DJ?”

“Uhm, I guess? But eventually I wan-“

“THAT’S SO COOL!” Alex shrieked, and excitedly grabbed hold of Beca’s arms. “Can you teach me!?"

"Uhhhhh-"

"OH MY GOD! WAIT!”

I watched as Alex continued to ignore personal boundaries and as she screamed in Beca's face, “OH MY GOD! CAN YOU DJ AT OUR NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY?! PLEASE?? THAT'D BE SO COOL TO HAVE A LIVE DJ THERE!” 

Being the complete freak of nature she’s always been, my sister was oblivious to the personal space she was rudely invading and oblivious to Beca’s mortified expression.

“I- huh- errrrr- well- I mean...” Beca locked eyes with me and silently screamed for help. She looked like a baby animal being backed into a corner so I decided it was time to butt in. (We’d later consider that moment as the beginning of our bestfriendship because it was the first time we had a full conversation using just our eyes.)

“Hey, Alex? Chill out and back up a bit. Beca’s basically inhaling your breath right now.”

“Oh, right.” She laughed nervously and released her grip. “My bad. Sorry. I just got excited.” Alex said as she settled back to her side of the couch.

“It’s totally cool, dude. I spaz out when I get excited too. I’m just-“ Beca motioned between them, “I’m a huge fan of keeping to my own personal space, just so you know.”

“Oh yeah, for sure. I’ll definitely keep that in mind, for next time.”

“Cool.”

They shared a coy smile and I felt a little queasy as Alex bit her lip and swept her eyes over Beca's body amorously.

“Four-year age gap.” I coughed under my breath.

“What?” They asked at the same time.

“Nothing.” I smiled sweetly.

Alex narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously but Beca just shrugged it off. "So about your offer for new year's, I would normally be down, but we all decided we'd throw a party this year at The Bella house."

"Ugh! I can't wait! It's gonna be sooo fun! We're gonna have ev-" 

"Wait, Stace, you're not gonna be home for new years?" Alex butted in.

I looked at my sister and was a little surprised when I saw a flash of hurt in her eyes, "Well, yeah. I agreed to come home for one other holiday besides Christmas and I'm here now-"

"But last year you were here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, AND New Year's."

"That was _last_  year, Lex. Things change. I can't come home for every holiday, every single year."

"Why not?" She countered, anger apparent in her tone.

"Barden's all the way across the friggin' country! You really expect me to fly back and forth?"

"Well, you're technically only flying out twice, because Christmas and New Year's happen within the same week." Beca quipped. Her eyes widened apologetically as I glared over at her. She wasn't helping my argument,  _at all,_ during that situation. 

"Exactly! Like what Beca said, you're only flying back and forth twice. You won't be flying back during the summers because you like taking summer classes, and you won't come home for spring breaks because you'll, most likely, be partying on a beach somewhere! So, why can't you just be here for the totality of the holidays?" 

"Alex.."

"You can even skip Thanksgiving and Christmas if you wanted to! But why can't you  **at least**  be here for New Year's?"

"It's just easier to leave before then! Okay? Leaving after the 1st was a fucking nightmare last year!" I seethed. 

"Wow, that's the excuse you're sticking with?" Alex scoffed. "Unbelievable!"

"Whoa, what? It's not an excu-"

"If daddy was still here, you'd make **damn** sure you'd be home for New Year's every year." She spat out bitterly.  

I was so taken aback by her words and by her tone that it took me a few seconds to respond.

"Lex..." I sighed. "That's not true."

"Yes, it is!"

We looked at each other, our eyes weighed so much emotion at the mention of our dad. I studied her features and realized how much she's grown since the last time I saw her. She was 15 then, the same age I was when dad died. 

When I met her eyes again, my heart broke. She looked at me with so much pain and disappointment, I wasn't really sure how to react. Up until then, my sister always looked at me like I was some kind of superhero. But as we stood there, I realized how she must have felt. It must've felt like I was abandoning her, but it wasn't the case, at all. I was trying to move on. I was trying to root myself in new places and get ahead in my studies. 

I needed her to understand that. "Lex, listen..." I sighed, "I'm sor-"

"It's fine. I get it." She got up abruptly, "I'm going to bed. It was really nice meeting you Beca, I had fun with you this weekend. Hope you guys have a safe flight."

Beca shot up from her seat to awkwardly offer Alex a hug, it was pretty cringey to watch but I loved her for even trying. "Wait, you're not going to the airport with us tomorrow morning?" She asked, eyes moving back and forth between my sister and I.

Alex looked at me, her expression guarded. "No." She said, then left without saying another word. 

I watched her walk away and continued to stare at the empty hallway long after she was out of sight, trying to figure out if it was a good idea to go up and talk to her.

"Dude, what're you doing?" Beca finally piped up, brows knotted.

I wordlessly turned to face her.

"You've been standing there, for like, five minutes. Just go talk to her."

I exhaled defeatedly, "She hates me."

"No, she doesn't."

"Yes, she does! Did you see the way she looked at me? She's never looked at me like that!"

"Listen," Beca got up from the couch and stood in front of me, "I spent the last four days watching your family shower you with love and affection. I don't know much about family and I don't have any siblings but it's clear how tight-knit you guys are. And I can tell how much Alex idolizes you. She doesn't hate you, she's just hurt and disappointed. And I totally get it, I mean, I put my walls up when I get hurt too but it doesn't mean I hate that person." She let out a breath, "It's just a defense mechanism. If anything, it means she actually really loves you." 

She smiled and patted my shoulder. It meant to be an encouraging gesture, but because of the height difference and her inability to comfortably show affection, it came off more comical than she intended. 

We laughed at the sheer awkwardness of it all, "You're so bad at that." I smiled down at her.

"I know." She scrunched her face apologetically. 

"But I love that you care enough to try."

"Yeah, well." She shrugged, a shy smile on her face. "I had a lot of fun with you guys so, thanks! For, you know? Inviting me and making me feel at home and stuff. I haven't had a decent thanksgiving in forever so-" She blew out a hard breath, clearly trying to spit out the rest of her sentiments, "I'm glad that you invited me and that- we're like, friends and stuff. Cuz I actually consider you as a really close friend. So...  _yeah_."

"Awwww! Becaa!"

"Stop! Don't even!"

"That was super painful to watch but you're  _so_  cute when you get mushy! I love it! I love you!" I scooped Beca up in a tight hug, lifting her off the floor as I did.

"oh-kay," she croaked, "too much, dude. Too much."

"I don't care!" I tightened my grip and rocked her back and forth.

"Oh God, Stacie, stop!" Beca laughed. 

I rolled my eyes but obliged, a sly smirk on face because, "That's weird, I usually hear girls end that sentence with 'keep going' or 'fuck that feels so go-"

"Dude, no! No, no, no. Stop talking, stop! Just go talk to your sister before you say anything else that will make me wanna blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm going." I laughed loudly as I made my way to the door. "You know, if you ever wanted to, I have a few tricks up my sleeve that will  _definitely_  blow your brains out."

"Say one more gross thing and I swear to GOD, Stacie, I'm retracting my friendship!"

  

 

* * *

 

  

"Hey."

"Hey." Alex smiled at me over her shoulder, "Where's Aubrey?"

"She's downstairs, enjoying the party." I said as I stepped up next to her and offered a helping hand. 

"You left her to fend for herself?"

"Well, she's not alone! Grandpa's talking to her about hunting and stuff."

"Oh, poor girl." Alex pouted apologetically. 

"No, no. She's fine. She actually used to hunt with her dad when she was a kid."

Alex laughed lightly, "I still can't believe you're dating a conservative southern belle."

"Trust me, she's far from conservative." I smiled and wiggled my eyebrows suggestively. 

"Gross." She deadpanned, which caused me to laugh out loud. "But seriously, she's okay being by herself? I told you, you can bring her up here, I really don't mind."

"She's fine, Lex."

"Are you sure?"

"Yessss."

"Positive?"

"I'm positive!" I shrieked, exasperated. 

"Okay, okay!" Alex held up her hands, "It's just," she bit her lip nervously, "you guys LITERALLY just got together during thanksgiving and I know how much she means to you and how long you've wanted this! And-and not only, is it her first New Year's with us but it's also you guys' first New Year's as a couple, so I just wanted to make sure everything was fine with you guys!"

I smiled and threw an arm around her shoulder, "I love how considerate you're being, I really do, but don't worry about Aubrey and I, okay? I told her this was  _our thing_  and she gets it.  **Completely**." I made sure I enunciated that last word for emphasis, "She even declined my offer to join us and practically hauled my ass up here! So, trust me! Everything's fine and me being here isn't going to ruin my relationship. Got it?"

"Got it." Alex nodded. 

"Awesome!" I kissed her cheek with a loud smack and hugged her briefly. "Let's finish up, there's only 10 minutes left 'til midnight."

"Right!"

 

___________

 

The last few minutes before the new year, was spent in comfortable silence. Having done the rest of the task with ease, we stood where we always stood, and our eyes were fixed on the objects we were holding. 

I felt a familiar wave of emotions course through my body as we waited. I reflected on the six years prior, how far Alex and I have come since then. I never told her this, but I looked forward to our New Year's tradition more than anything else. For the past six years, we created a safe space where we freely talked about our dreams for the year ahead and spoke honestly as we reflected on the year before. 

Everything we said to each in that room, stayed in that room, and it was a something I held dear to my heart.

"I think this will be my last time doing this." Alex whispered. 

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to do this next year."

" **What?** " I asked in _complete_ shock. "But it's tradition. You've been doing this since you were like, what, six? Seven?"

"Six going to be seven I think..."

I glanced at the clock as she spoke, **90 seconds remaining.**

 _"Great! I literally don't have time for this"_ , I thought.

"Exactly, you've been doing this for years! Why would you want to stop now?" 

"This started as my thing with dad, and after he passed away, you took over."

"So?" Was my shrill response, clearly offended by her statement. "This has become as much my tradition with you, as it was with you and dad!"

"Well, things change!"

"What do you mean things change? Is this not as important to you anymore?"

"I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON!" Alex screamed. I took a step back at her outburst, not really knowing what to say next. 

"I'm sorry," she softened at my dejected expression, "I just want to move on. I'm turning 19, I want to start doing something new."

"I understand." But I really didn't.

"Do you?" She looked at me skeptically.

When I didn't answer, she spoke again, "I will forever be grateful for you taking dad's place and making this tradition your own. But this has, and always will be, mine and dad's thing."

My eyes darted at the clock again,  **one minute remaining.**

_Fuck._

"Stace, I hope you understand where I'm coming from. You remember what's it was like right? Being in college, yearning to grow, and do new things! I mean, you were _so_ ready to ditch me for New Year's with The Bellas a few years ago!"

"Oh, my god! I said I was soooorryyy!" I whined. "And I don't know why you're bringing that up! I ditched those aca-bitches to stay here. Like _you_ wanted me to!"

"Yeah, I know. And I love you for it! But I'm telling you now, it's time for us to start a different tradition. Something that's truly _ours_. Something new."  

I took a second to mull it over. It would be nice to spend the countdown with everyone else for a change. "Okay, I think I'd like that." 

"Cool." Alex laughed. "Besides, we're older now. I don't know about you, but I'd rather ring in the new year kissing my girlfriend."

"Hey! What's wrong with my kisses?" I shrieked, as I held up a full bag of Hershey's Kisses. 

We broke out in laughter right as we heard everyone in the party downstairs start the countdown.

**"TEN!"**

"Ready?"

"Mhm." 

I bent down and turned off the floor lamp. Only the dim lights from candles, and the moonlight peaking through the windows illuminated the room. 

**"SEVEN!"**

Alex squealed in excitement and I couldn't help but mirror her expression.

**"FOUR!"**

We both joined in, broad smiles on our faces. "Three, two, one..."

**"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"**

Alex blew out the candles on the cake she was holding. As the candles went out, the lights we set up earlier, lit up. 

"Happy birthday, Alex." I said as I handed the bag of Kisses to her.

She took the bag and smiled sadly.

"Happy birthday, dad." She whispered, then looked around the room.

We heard fireworks go off, their different colored hues painted the walls. As we walked towards the balcony, I gazed up in awe, the sight never ceased to amaze me. The entire attic was filled with twinkling, low-dim, LED lights so it made it seem like we were standing in space, surrounded by the stars. One side of the ceiling, right above the balcony doors, was made of glass, so it offered the perfect view of the fireworks. Below the glass ceiling (aka skylight), was the pillow fort we made, dad's telescope stood right in the middle.

We settled in the fort, and started cutting the cake. 

"I can't believe you're 19 now. I feel so old." I mumbled, mouth full of red-velvety goodness. 

"You say that every year." Alex laughed. 

"Well every year, I do, in fact, get older."

"Whatever, genius." 

We sat there and continued to eat in silence, enjoying the view.

"He would've been 47 today." Alex mused.

I didn't respond, I just gave her a solemn look.

"Do you think he's okay with me not doing this anymore?"  

"I think he'd be proud of you, for finally finding the strength to move on." 

"You think so?"

"Of course. You know dad, he always believed in progress and exploring new ideas and stuff."

"True, true." She trailed off. 

The fireworks eventually stopped and the next half hour was spent talking, laughing, eating cake, and star gazing. By the time I looked at the clock again, it was ten 'til 1. We cleared our plates and packed the rest of the cake back in the box, I was about to leave the fort when Alex spoke.

"Hey, Stace?"

"Yeah?"

"One last New Year's Kiss?" She raised a brow in challenge and threw the bag of kisses to me.

"You're _so_ on!"

 

___________

 

***7 minutes later***

 

"I win bitch!" I threw my hands up, triumphantly. "Bow down to the chubby bunny queen!"

Alex rolled her eyes as she tried to wipe off the chocolate stains from her mouth. "This is so not fair, I'm at a disadvantage!"

"What? How?" I narrowed my eyes at her.

"You've literally had a shit ton of dicks in your mouth. I've had none!" 

"First of all, sore loser, fuck you! it wasn't that many. And second of all, you're just mad because you lost seven years in a row!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Don't you have a hot blonde waiting for you to go kiss her right now?"

At the mention of a hot blonde, I let out a loud gasp. "Aubrey!"

I bolted out of the room and down the stairs. I wasn't surprised when I discovered half of the party had already gone, but there was still a lot of people, so finding my girlfriend still posed as a challenge. I searched through four different parts of the house, before finally spotting Aubrey by the pool.

Once I got a little closer, I saw she was being talked up by some huge, burly blonde guy. Even though her back was turned to me, I can tell she was uncomfortable. Her stance was relaxed and chill, due to the alcohol but her arms were stiff and her shoulders were tense.

When I realized who the guy was, my body literally felt like it was on fire. He was the cockiest, most ignorant, most disrespectful, neanderthal-minded football player from my old high school. 

 _This is gonna be fun,_ I thought with a smug look on my face. My feet broke out into a light jog, anger turned to desire, and my body was itching to get to Aubrey, to feel her against me once again. And, in one swift motion (just like that scene from The Girl Next Door), I pushed the douchey dude out of the way and pulled Aubrey in a heated kiss. 

I don't know how long we were kissing and I vaguely recall the guy cussing at me, but I was too wrapped up in Aubrey to pay attention to anything else. 

"Happy New Year, baby." I whispered against her lips.

"Happy New Year." She smiled and pressed her forehead against mine. I leaned in for another kiss but she stopped me abruptly, "Wait, why do you taste like you just _ate your weight_ in chocolate?"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me in the comments :)


	3. Venus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a while, I thought I’d never find you  
> I convinced myself that I would never find you  
> When suddenly I saw you
> 
> At first I thought you were a constellation  
> I made a map of your stars, then I had a revelation:  
> You’re as beautiful as endless  
> You’re the universe I’m helpless in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally really long with a lot of interaction with their families and The Bellas but UNFORTUNATELY I got really drunk one night and accidentally trashed this ENTIRE chapter so I had to go back and write it over *cries*  
> BUT!!! I actually like how this came out, it's more Staubrey Centric than what I originally had so it's better in my opinion.
> 
> Little tidbits and flashbacks leading up to the big day aka lazy writing by yours truly ;) I just wanted to post something before I drag it on even more. 
> 
> also this is like.. so cheesy. I had to convince myself to post this. lol

If someone told 18 year old me that I was going to get married at the mere age of 29 I would've laughed, very obnoxiously, in their faces. Marriage was never something I dreamt about when I was growing up. I spent more time watching the stars than watching fairy tales; and when I finally started dating, I was more interested in sex than love & relationships.

Sex was something I quickly got addicted to, the intimacy, the build up, the pleasure, the release, it was something I couldn't get enough of. But as much as I tried to, I sadly couldn't commit myself to just one person. So for that reason, I thought I'd stay single until well into my late thirties. And even then I never pictured myself being married. A "long term" relationship maybe, but definitely not marriage. I never thought I'd meet anyone who could satiate The Hunter but, as fate would have it, The Hunter met its match in Aubrey Posen.

 

* * *

 

"I love sex!" Was the opening exclamation of my speech during my engagement party.

"Oh Lord, she drunk." CR laughed.

"Before Aubrey, I slept with countless men and women. Believe me when I say that all of them were smokin' hot and the sex was s-"

"Okay!" Aubrey piped up, "Well this is filling me with confidence! Stace? Babe? I think you've had one too many to drink maybe?"

I threw her a pointed look, "Baby, let me finish. I promise I'm not drunk."

She sensed my sincerity and nodded, but a displeased look still colored her features, "You may continue."

"Thank you," I smiled at her lovingly. "Like I said earlier, I love sex, I've slept with a lot of different people before I met Aubrey, but none of them ever felt as good as her. From our very first kiss, I knew I would never get enough of this woman. I remember thinking I could spend the rest of my life kissing her and it still wouldn't be enough for me. Then she whispered that she loved me, with my body pressed against her skin, and my heart felt so safe and so full. I caught glimpses of my future and all I saw was Aubrey; an older, grayer version of Aubrey but her eyes were still the prettiest shade of blue, her smile still my favorite smile. I saw a future with her cuddled up against me, whispering her love for me, just like she was in that moment, and my life was never the same after that."

I looked over to my fiancee, a reverent smile on my face, "Because that was when I finally stopped being afraid."

 

* * *

  

Commitment used to be such a scary concept to me. I was scared to invest my time and energy into a relationship, I was scared to give someone my heart because I knew what life looked like when love left. I watched my mom fight through depression when we lost dad, my grandpa had to learn how to live his life without my grandma by his side, I watched as he learned to conform to a world without her in it. I guess you could say I had PTSD. I didn't want to have to live my life missing another piece of myself. I already lost so much of my heart when my dad died.

He once wrote to me saying _"Remember to fall in love with the sun again."_   I always thought he meant the actual sun but when I was younger he tried to describe love in simpler terms for me, and I never really understood what he meant until now. 

_"You know that amazing feeling when you finally get to stand in the sunlight and bask in all the sun's warmth and glory after a particularly long rainstorm? That's what being in love feels like. Like the sun's constantly shining on you, not too much and not too little. Just shining at the perfect temperature to keep you warm. S'how I knew you're mom was the one. She felt like the sun and I was just the lucky fool who stepped out after the rain."_

I never thought I'd ever get to find a love like what my parents had, and I sure as hell never imagined the sun coming in the form of Aubrey. But this blonde bombshell of fiery energy came blazing into my life during my freshman year of college and every part of me has been covered in her light ever since. 

 

* * *

 

"Hi there! I was wondering if you'd be interested in joining The Barden Bellas?"

I frowned at the flyer that was rudely shoved in my line of vision, "What the fuck? Do you mind? I'm trying to..."

And there she was. The sun. Angry, huffy, heated. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips curved in a pout, but she still looked so glorious in the summer light.

"Study. I'm trying to study." I cleared my throat and grabbed the flyer from her.

She looked me in the eyes for the first time since invading my space and I swear I thought the fire in her gaze seemed to calm a bit. 

She smiled at me apologetically and took a deep breath in, as if trying to calm herself, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your studying. it's just- I just had a very rude encounter with some tiny "alt" girl and it got me on edge."

"It's okay. I don't mind being interrupted by beautiful people." Aubrey smiled her brilliant Aubrey Posen smile and I remember feeling something deep in my gut. I thought it was just my sexual drive going crazy, but now I guess you could say the universe was trying to tell me something.

"Well, I'm sorry anyway. I'll let you go back to your studying." 

"No wait!" I reached out and wrapped my hand around her wrist, gently pulling her down to sit next to me. "What are The Barden Bellas and how can I join?" 

In true wlw fashion, it took four years for me to actually make a move on her and let me tell ya, after our first night together, I knew I was done for. Four years of pent up sexual frustration and pining finally came to an end with one glorious kiss. The same gut-feeling I felt during our first meeting came crashing over me. And that's when it clicked, something within me knew. Aubrey was the Sun and I was the fool who took four years to step out after the rain. 

 

* * *

 

My relationship with Aubrey hasn't always been a walk in the park, we've had our fair share of arguments, and fights that dragged on for what seemed like eternity. We drive each other crazy and in a lot of ways, we're complete opposites, but there are parts of our personalities that just complement each other so well. It almost feels like we were made for each other.

Cheesy, I know. But I don't know how else to explain it.

Besides being everything I've ever wanted and needed in a sexual partner, Aubrey Posen has a nurturing side to her that puts up with my stubborn need to be strong all the time. And she's patient and persistent enough to wait until I'm absolutely ready to open up. 

I remember [the very first time I saw this side of her](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13616775/chapters/31263537#workskin), it was our first ICCA win and everyone was partying it up but I couldn't help but miss my dad. 

The thing about losing someone is, you miss them during hard times but you miss them even more during good times. Their absence is highlighted in the midst of celebration.

 

* * *

 

“Hey Stace,” Aubrey's voice was soft and barely above a whisper but it boomed through the silence, “is everything okay?”

I didn’t answer, too wrapped up in my pain to really say anything. I just wanted to be left alone.

A few moments passed in silence and I thought maybe Aubrey took the hint and left the room but, surprisingly, she stayed. She sat on the bed with me and gently combed through my hair. It was such a soft gesture, I couldn't help but let out a strangled cry. She wrapped her arms around me and I buried my face in her chest.

I don't know if it was my pent up grief or because it just felt nice to be held but sob after sob rippled through my body and honestly? It felt nice to let go, to allow myself that moment of weakness, to be completely broken... in the arms of someone who cared enough to leave a party to check up on me.

Crazy how just one touch from her opened up a floodgate of emotions. She made me feel safe, from that very first encounter. I knew I'd always be safe with her. 

She held me that night as I cried and she waited until I was ready to talk about it, all while keeping her arms around me. As if to say, "I'm here, I've got you." 

And I was so far away from my family and from home, yet I felt so overwhelming loved. Just like I did graduation morning in my dad's study when I was surrounded by my family's love and support.

I remember feeling odd. Not really in a bad way, but the feeling was a bit confusing. Because even though my huge toner for Aubrey was very much present at that point, I never really saw her as anything more than my super hot blonde aca-dictator. 

But she kissed my forehead and my heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest and the feeling in my gut finally made sense. 

_"Oh, I'm falling I'm love with her."_

 

* * *

 

If someone told 18 year old me that I was going to get married at the mere age of 29 I would've laughed. But If they said I would be marrying that hot blonde with the fiery disposition... I still would've laughed but I'd be very intrigued. 

Marriage used to scare the shit out of me. The thought of spending the rest of my life with one person, scared the shit out of me. It wasn't only the permanent-ness of it all but the fact that this person would become such a huge part of my life? That was scary. My biggest fear has always been losing a loved one. I didn't think my heart would be able to survive something like that. I mean, it took four years for me to finally even consider dating Aubrey because of my fear.

But... what is life if we're not really willing to take risks? Where would I be? What would my life be like if I didn't choose to overcome my fears?

These questions were burning through my mind one afternoon as I was standing by my kitchen counter, across the room from the love of my life, and weeks away from marrying her.

I felt so mesmerized. 

"She's so beautiful", I thought. 

Aubrey was turned away from me and was looking out of our floor to ceiling windows. The sun painted her body in its calming orange hues and I'd never seen anything so simple be so beautiful. I placed my mug on the kitchen counter and walked towards her, snaking my arms around her waist. She didn't move, just kept her gaze outside the window. I knew she was a little peeved because of the myriad of teasing texts in [The Bellas' group chat](http://ptshiaestt.tumblr.com/post/176049434283/wild-love) but it was all in good fun.

Still, Aubrey hated being the butt of a joke.

I brushed her hair to one side and placed my lips against her neck, "Hi baby," I cooed. But Aubrey didn't respond, just tilted her chin in defiance, her face still in a small pout.

I told her that I loved her and peppered light kisses up her neck and along her jawline, dipping my hands under her shirt to pull it up above her hips because she wasn't wearing any pants and I desperately wanted to feel her on my skin.

She let out a shaky breath and I knew then her resolve was breaking. So I pulled her flush against me. When she didn't try to push me away I smiled victoriously and propped my head on Aubrey's shoulder, “I can’t wait to marry you.” 

She hummed in response, a ghost of a smile coloring her face and I knew I was close to getting her to break.

I placed our hands against the glass window, the sun reflecting off the diamonds in our engagement rings, and a wave of excitement came over me. We're weeks away from our wedding. This woman in my arms, this beautiful, amazing, caring, motivated, _crazy_ woman will be my _wife_   soon! And I couldn't help but feel complete elation at that fact. The very thought of our future erased all of my fears. Because I know, deep down, if she were to leave this earth before me, I'd have all these memories of us to keep. All this love to look back on. 

And I knew that no matter what happens, I'll be okay. Because I got to experience a love this deep. A love that changed me in the best way. A love that allowed me to hope again, a love that healed even the oldest of scars. A love that helped me fall in love with the sun again.

“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” I whispered, not wanting to break us out of our reverie. “I’ll be yours until all the stars fall out of the sky, baby.”

She let out a long, content sigh and leaned against me. I relished the feeling of her body melting so seamlessly into mine. 

"I can't wait to call you my wife." I said before lightly grazing the shell of her ear. 

Finally, Aubrey spoke.

"Tell me more." She said breathlessly.

Sensing where this was going, I led her away from the window and towards the kitchen, pinning her against the kitchen island. She placed her hands flat down on the counter for support as I pulled her by the hips. I bit her shoulder and started grinding against her ass and she moaned loudly in response. 

I chuckled because this was exactly what The Bellas were teasing her for, “I can’t wait til we’re middle aged and I have to cover your mouth each time I fuck you because we don’t want to traumatize our kids with their mommy’s screaming."

All forms of movement stopped abruptly and she laughed out loud, smacking my hands away from her as she turned around to wrap her arms around my neck.

"You're a fucking idiot." She whispered against my lips. 

"You know what they say about the person who makes you laugh during sex right?"

Aubrey quirked an eyebrow, a playful smile on her face. "No, I don't. What do they say?"

"Marry them."

"But we weren't even having sex yet."

"But I've made you laugh in bed countless of times before, all while still giving you mind-blowing orgasms." I winked and she chuckled lowly in response. 

"Fine. I guess I'll marry you." She pulled me into a searing kiss, her hands grabbing a fitful of my hair. When we finally parted for air she looked up at me, a smirk and mischievous glint in her eyes, "So... Wanna traumatize our neighbor with my screaming right now?"

"Baby, you're the woman of my dreams." I smiled widely at her before roughly propping her up on the counter.

Honestly? 

When it came to taking risks and overcoming my greatest fears? Aubrey Posen will always be worth it. Always.

 

* * *

 

 

I woke up to the feeling of Aubrey lightly combing her fingers through my hair, her body flush against my skin. 

"Wake up, baby." She whispered. 

It sent shivers down my spine, my lips tugging up into a light smile. She peppered soft kisses all over my face, coaxing me out of my sleep, "Stacie, get up."

"No," I groaned and curled into her body, nuzzling her neck as I wrapped my arms around her waist to pull her closer. "Five more minutes."

She giggled in response and started running a hand up and down my bare back, "I just you'd eventually want to sleep in the bedroom for the rest of the night."

It was then that I realized where we were exactly and how it felt way too soon for me to get up for work. I turned to lay on my back and immediately regretted it when my skin hit the cold floor. When I finally opened my eyes I found myself staring up at the kitchen ceiling. 

"Oh."

"Mhhmm." Aubrey chuckled.

"I forgot."

"I know."

"What time is it?"

"A little after two."

"IN THE MORNING?"

She laughed out loud at my small outburst, "Yes baby, in the morning."

"What time did we fall asleep?"

"I think you tapped out around midnight." Was Aubrey's smug reply.

"Hm," I breathed, "I tapped out? Or were you just too maxed out to go another round?" I teased, pulling her closer by the hip.

Aubrey scoffed and batted my hands away, "I told you to give me a minute to recover and you fell asleep!"

"So did you!"

"But you fell asleep first!"

I laughed and pulled her into a searing kiss. She feigned resistance at first but slowly gave in. "Do you want me to make up for falling asleep?"

"No."

"No?" I whined.

"You have an early day at the hospital and you only have a few more hours before you have to start getting ready."

"Ugh! Don't remind me."

Aubrey slowly got to her feet and reached her hands out to me, gesturing for me to do the same. But it was pretty hard to focus on anything with a very naked Aubrey Posen hovering over me. "What a view."

"Stacie Conrad, if you don't get up in the next ten seconds I'm leaving you here on the floor."

"Okay! Okay!" I reluctantly grabbed her hands and rose to my feet. "So do we leave our clothes here or?"

"Clean later. Sleep now." Aubrey yawned and pulled me towards the bedroom.

"Clean LATER? Who are you and what'd you do to my fiancee?"

"You fucked her brains out for nearly seven hours straight, she's exhausted." Aubrey drew back the covers and crawled into bed. "If we sleep now, we can wake up early enough for a morning bath."

"Together?"

"What? Like I'd ever want to take a bath without you? Of course together babe, now come to bed so we can sleep!"

I sighed happily and settled against her, "Being married to you is going to be so awesome."

"Mhm. I can't wait."

 

 

 


End file.
